Sunday, August 28, 2011

Anna Mania IV

Now, that the ministers are back home licking their wounds and sniffing for escape routes, let me temporarily relax in the warm glow of Anna's victory. I shall do so by turning on the heater, and recalling some of the more splendid slogans that I heard over the past week:

We begin with number three on my list:

Woh sarkar bikau hai, Kapil Sibal jiska tau hai.

Ho Ho Ho. Serves bushy eyebrows right. Where is he by the way? Slunk away for a threading or something?

Coming up next, a fair question that was asked of the forty year old "youth leader" by the rallying IT workers on their march from the India Gate to the Ramlila ground:

Desh ka yuva yahan hai, Rahul Gandhi kahan hai?

He was, of course, following close in the heels of some of the late dysfunctional Mughal emperors, who, in times of strife in N. India, say a visit from an unfriendly neighbor immediately went on official tours to the Deccan. Rahul baba was shaking hands with Chirajeevi in Hyderabad.

Also, coming in second, a fair assessment of Rahul baba's slick exit:

Desh ka yuva jaag gaya, Rahul Gandhi bhaag gaya.

he he he. Calling Rahul a youth leader at 40 reminds me always of that movie, The Forty Year Old Virgin. Maybe that is what his biography will be called, The Forty Year Old Youth, or, I do prefer, How to grow old into a youth icon, or, Youth I Con, or, Youth icon at 40, or, simply, Baba at 40.

And, now, people, the number one, the numero uno, the one that makes my day, everyday, no matter what my equations say:

Woh sarkar nikkammi hai, Sonia jiski mummy hai.

Classic! The person who coined this deserves a Booker. Take Arundhati's away, in case you can't convince the judges.

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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Anna Mania III

Arundhati Roy recently wrote a fantastic piece, where she damned Anna's movement. She provided many, many reasons in brilliantly constructed language, why, She had rather not be Anna. Yes, she even titled her insightful piece

"I'd rather not be Anna".

Now, Anna could never write prose like that. He is, after all, a 7th pass villager. Ergo, Anna is not Arundhati Roy. By reflexivity, Arundhati is not Anna. Consequently, the question that Arundhati asks in her piece's title, is, but rhetorical. It is not whether she can, but doesn't, choose to be Anna.

She can't (be Anna).

I guess that pisses her off.

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Friday, August 26, 2011

Journalese 9: Helpline

The newspaper reports of the terrible ordeal endured by a dedicated BT customer. For the discerning reader, a freewheeling account is provided below.

A customer trying to call British telecoms operator BT Group was left hanging on the telephone for only a total of 20 hours, 'The Times' newspaper reported on Saturday. She is now already third in line.

In a statement, BT blamed these efficient response times on a new calling system which has left a large number of customers anxious.

Hannah King, 51, ceased the opportunity to spend quality time on a company helpline after a BT engineer failed to turn up to install a telephone line at her new flat in Milford Haven, South Wales, according to 'The Times'. For eight hours in a row, she enjoyed the sound of piped music.

She was, unfortunately, cut off automatically, but being ever the fighter, she tried again the next day only to be cut off, again, rather rudely in the middle of her favorite bit of piped music, in only another eight hours. "I had to go to the pub and hung around for the remaining eight hours", said King.

The following day, she could spend only a further four hours on hold before being being told that she was already third in line, and would be attended within two hours. She broke off, unable to confront this swift ending to what had been "a reasonable change of pace in my otherwise rushed life.". By this time she had spent only about a day. A small fraction of what certainly are 51 wasted years, with at least 20 more to come.

"I was so frustrated and angry I broke down in tears," she told 'The Times'. "Can BT only help me in my life's wasteful ambitions to the tune of one solitary boring day? And they call themselves a people company". "Bollocks" she added with good measure, "I managed to while away a lot more hours while waiting in the line on Boxing Day sales. The pubs are the best though."

"It is a helpline for goodness' sake, surely a company as big as BT can refuse to answer their phones. I will have absolutely nothing to do once the representative takes care of me."

BT said on Saturday that customers were having no trouble getting in touch because of a 'new customer management system.'

"Whilst this new system beds down, only a small proportion of BT Retail customers have experienced difficulties getting through to our customer services. Thus, a vast majority had no help, and no piped music to help them through a few more hours of their miserable pointless existence." the group said in an official statement.

"We sincerely apologise for any temporary problems customers may have experienced, and are working around the clock to improve the situation. We have recently shut down fifteen more calling centers, and already half of Biggleswade has reported a vastly improved quality of life.", said the spokesperson.

"If that is what they wish to call it."

"Meanwhile, we encourage our customer to seek other avenues of sustained boredom, and not rely solely on our helpline and continued inefficiency. We aim to provide telephone connections. No, really. Helping out people in a rut is only charity. Inadvertent and, perhaps, important, but not really our business focus."

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Anna Mania II

I know I am late. But at least its not never.


Aruina Roy (AR) and co have announced an alternative Lokpal bill. "Not only is this bill, stronger, better, it is also more acceptable to all of India's mummies." , said Roy at a press conference attended by several of her colleagues, Congress workers like Abhifake Manu Singhvi (AMS), six people (Ram, Rahim, Rohan, Roxanne, Ranjit and Ramaswamy) from Muzaffarnagar who had come to attend an anti-corruption rally, and a dog. We drop in during question hour.


R: Is this Ramlila ground?

AR: No. That is further down the road, this is the Jay Prakash Ground.

R: Oh, but madam is Khiran Bedi, no?

AMS: No, no, she is a much more committed, enlightened and erudite NGO. Hum sab aur Bharat ki mummy Smt. Suniye Gandhi ji madam has anointed her your representative in this fight against corruption.

R: Really, why she not fighting corruption with Anna ji.

AR: Because Anna is wrong? His bill is not good. It is undemocratic, and undercuts, unh unh undermines, the entire parliamentary process. He is a Dictator who is agains the principles of free-for-all market. Does not a common honest citizen like Sugar Pawar have a voice? I know he is almost lock-jawed, but he can nod, can he not?

R: Madam ji we are confuse. You want to fight corruption, yes?

VR: Of course.

R: Then fight with Anna ji. Oh, I understand, you people not watching TV recently. See fasting is on Ramlila ground, not here. Congress party get scared first, so they change ground. Come we go there now?

VR: I cannot be seen with Anna. That would ruin my appetite.

R: But, you say you fighting corruption. So is Anna ji. He is your and my leader. Let us go.

AMS: No, you don't understand Anna is wrong. He claims to be fighting corruption, but unconstitutionally. Also as our deeply embedded detective Mole-ish Tiwari recently pointed out, Anna is himself corrupt. During the meeting of the joint drafting committee, he sat next to Karpin Sibal and got drenched from head to toe with Karpin's new aftershave Krption (from TATA-Mani combine: guaranteed to attract femme fatales like Roneko Chowdhury and Joyendin Natarajan).

R: Madam ji please, we are confuse. You fighting corruption. Anna ji fighting corruption. He is our leader. So, why you not going there. Are you with corrupt congress?

VR: No! I mean Yes. That is I am The Civil Society according to Bharat Mummy Suniye Gandhi ji.

R: Bharat Mummy?

AR: Security, AMS! please remove these gentleman, they aggravate me. Thrash them while you are at it. That will also free up space for my NAC (National Council) friends who have come over from the IIC. Is lunch served?


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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Anna Mania 1

Delhi's first mummy and son duo have finally come out with statements on Anna's fast. "We are firmly behind Anna ji and his fast against corruption. Almost literally.", said Shiela aunty. "Sandeep and his friends are making sure that backdoor supply chains remain unbroken and provided. Essentials such as medicines, water, volunteers, slogans, and even juicy tidbits about that brat Manish, Jayanti ji and Kapil ji." When asked, Sandeep too agreed that Anna is the best thing that happened to India and the Dixits. "I was really getting tired of convincing all the Uncle jis that mummy was not corrupt. She hardly made any money. I mean look at Sharad uncle, now that is substance!", he concluded admiringly. Recovering from his momentary monetary reverie, h continued, "Now with Anna and his cohorts defying Kapil and Chidamb uncles, the media's and everybody's focus has turned away from CAG and its absolutely wrong conclusions, me and mummy finally have temporarily relief.". "Oh, the CAG were not even close about the amounts.", giggled the two uncontrollably when asked to clarify which conclusions the CAG erred upon.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

What is the cost of getting rid of corruption?

Ek Anna. (I hope.)

For the Hindi- and/or historically- challenged: Sixteen anna makes one Indian Rupee.

Battle begins 16 August.

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Monday, August 15, 2011

Freedom at midnight

God, its been long. So long, that I have forgotten why I wanted a blog. Exhibitionism. No, probably my wisecracking cup runneth over. Or, do such cups instead crack open? See, what I mean?

Why am I back? Because, maybe I see freedom around the corner. Or, is she playing the matador to my life's bull? I hope not. But, I want to talk. Say something funny. Recall what it felt like. To not have a tug reminding you that it is so easy to get it all wrong. To not feel responsible.

But my audience has moved on. Slipped through the cracks in my life.