Journalese 9: Helpline

The newspaper reports of the terrible ordeal endured by a dedicated BT customer. For the discerning reader, a freewheeling account is provided below.

A customer trying to call British telecoms operator BT Group was left hanging on the telephone for only a total of 20 hours, 'The Times' newspaper reported on Saturday. She is now already third in line.

In a statement, BT blamed these efficient response times on a new calling system which has left a large number of customers anxious.

Hannah King, 51, ceased the opportunity to spend quality time on a company helpline after a BT engineer failed to turn up to install a telephone line at her new flat in Milford Haven, South Wales, according to 'The Times'. For eight hours in a row, she enjoyed the sound of piped music.

She was, unfortunately, cut off automatically, but being ever the fighter, she tried again the next day only to be cut off, again, rather rudely in the middle of her favorite bit of piped music, in only another eight hours. "I had to go to the pub and hung around for the remaining eight hours", said King.

The following day, she could spend only a further four hours on hold before being being told that she was already third in line, and would be attended within two hours. She broke off, unable to confront this swift ending to what had been "a reasonable change of pace in my otherwise rushed life.". By this time she had spent only about a day. A small fraction of what certainly are 51 wasted years, with at least 20 more to come.

"I was so frustrated and angry I broke down in tears," she told 'The Times'. "Can BT only help me in my life's wasteful ambitions to the tune of one solitary boring day? And they call themselves a people company". "Bollocks" she added with good measure, "I managed to while away a lot more hours while waiting in the line on Boxing Day sales. The pubs are the best though."

"It is a helpline for goodness' sake, surely a company as big as BT can refuse to answer their phones. I will have absolutely nothing to do once the representative takes care of me."

BT said on Saturday that customers were having no trouble getting in touch because of a 'new customer management system.'

"Whilst this new system beds down, only a small proportion of BT Retail customers have experienced difficulties getting through to our customer services. Thus, a vast majority had no help, and no piped music to help them through a few more hours of their miserable pointless existence." the group said in an official statement.

"We sincerely apologise for any temporary problems customers may have experienced, and are working around the clock to improve the situation. We have recently shut down fifteen more calling centers, and already half of Biggleswade has reported a vastly improved quality of life.", said the spokesperson.

"If that is what they wish to call it."

"Meanwhile, we encourage our customer to seek other avenues of sustained boredom, and not rely solely on our helpline and continued inefficiency. We aim to provide telephone connections. No, really. Helping out people in a rut is only charity. Inadvertent and, perhaps, important, but not really our business focus."