Journalese 5: Carpal Puppetitis Syndrome strikes again!

The political fraternity was put on high alert today with reports filtering in of yet another in the highest political echelons falling prey to the dreaded disease Carpal Puppetitis Syndrome (CPS). Sonia Maino-Gandhi, widow of the late Rajeev Gandhi, today resigned from the Indian parliament citing extreme physical pain and difficulties in utilising her wrists. Doctors were united in the opinion that the latter was a direct result of her making the Prime Minister M M Singh, nay the whole country, dance to the whims of her wristy political and economic ambitions. The cause for overall physical pain was traced to 'artful dodging' of allegations about her holding an 'office of profit' while serving in the Indian parliament. Apparently these recent attempts at 'artful dodging' have severely accentuated trauma suffered during an earlier incident of 'artful dodging' during the 'Great Denial Incident' of 2004.

What is most surprising in this painful drama was the failure of the popular drug 'Sycophancy'*. In most cases of CPS, 'Sycophancy' has been known to work miracles. During the 'Great Denial Incident' when in addition to 'artfully dodging' the President A P J Abdul Kalam's well-aimed and sharp-edged probes about her antecedents (to check her suitability as India's Prime Minister), Mrs. M.-Gandhi had to invoke ancient and mystical 'denial chants'. As such pronunciations were alien to her muscular jaw, she was immediately struck down by CPS of the jaw, making smiling virtually impossible for her. She had then retreated into the High Temple of 10 Janpath Road in New Delhi. Luckily, her political party, the Indian National Congress, also happens to be the largest collection of 'Sycophancy' donors in the country. Drawing on confidence gained by having saved her mother-in-law, the late Indira Gandhi, when she was under attack from the little know Emergency strain of CPS, large numbers of donors gathered at the High Temple and proceeded to ply her with massive doses of the life saving drug 'Sycophancy'. It is well known that the malady was finally laid hors de combat by an ingenious donor from the province of Bihar, who overcoming his loss in the 2004 elections, bravely threatened to shoot himself on the footsteps of the High Temple if Mrs. M.-Gandhi did not smile. Ritual dosage of 'Sycophancy' performed so well at that time that it allowed Mrs. M.-Gandhi's physique to recover from her CPS travails and successfully scale the 'moral high ground', a hallowed and much strived for region in political space.

Well-wishers have still not given up though, as the Prime Minister M M Singh continues to lead the way with a continuous supply of 'Sycophancy' by hailing Mrs. M.-Gandhi as the "tallest leader in the country". This, however, is rumoured not to have gone down well with veteran parlimentarian Karan Singh, who at 6ft something regards himself as touching heights unexplored by Mrs. M.-Gandhi's 5 foot 3 inches. Nevertheless, he too provides much needed quantities of 'Sycophancy' by following in Mrs. M.-Gandhi's footsteps and resigning from the Indian parliament, and vowing to fight CPS in the capacity of Mrs.M.-Gandhi's trusted foot-licker. Till last heard, massive donations of 'Sycophancy' continue to pour in. These include the standard dosage of glorifying the culture of sacrifice in the Maino-Nehru-Gandhi family in particular, and in the Indian National Congress party in general. However, it seems that the virii responsible for CPS has mutated over the past two years, and the search continues for medication that will allow Mrs. M.-Gandhi to recover from this virulent attack of CPS and recapture the 'moral high ground'. An interesting variation of 'Sycophancy' that involved comparing her resignation to Shaheed Bhagat Singh's supreme sacrifice has shown some promise, and many doctors claim that need of the hour is to locate more of such capable 'Sycophant' donors.

Ironically, the last high-profile politician to have suffered from an attack of CPS, was Mrs. M.-Gandhi's late husband Rajiv Gandhi, who complained of severe pains in his shoulder joints at the time when his party, the Indian National Congress, was providing outside support to Prime Minister Chandrasekhar's government. It was agreed then that his condition was due to his frequently and suddenly shifting the prime-ministerial chair underneath Prime Minister Chandrasekhar's seat-seeking bottom**. Just as Mr. Gandhi had to seek the anodyne of the masses through general elections***, so too has his widow sought the healing touch of the people of Rae Bareli in the North Indian province of Uttar Pradesh. As a precaution, lepers, and other unwashed have been carefully culled from amongst those gathering to provide the healing touch.

Thankfully, all is not lost. Close aides maintain that Mrs. M.-Gandhi is equally proficient with her eyes at the sport of puppeteering. A blink here, and a glance there, is usually enough to make the Prime Minister and his Government jump through hoola-hoops.

* Sycophancy is a registered drug manufactured almost exclusively by the Indian National Congress party in India.
** The analogue of the heat-seeking missile in the political class. It allows a politician's most substantial part to unerring seek and occupy seats of power.
***No, we don't believe being blown apart while seeking treatment from the masses was part of his medical agenda. Most likely it was the result of an ill-concieved 'shock therapy' treatment by his well-wishers.