Journalese 4: From Cola to Colitis

The Dainik Bhaskar reports on an issue of (g)astronomical importance. Because this newspaper sticks to the vernacular in its reporting, I provide a freelwheeling translation for the benefit of our linguistically challenged readers.
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Farmers in the central Indian province of Madhya Pradesh were dismayed to find that pesticides were not quite equal to the demands of their job. The pests infesting their crop of chickpeas were lapping the stuff up like so much Coca-Cola.

A frustrated farmer, Vikram Verma, turned to his neighbours for advice, and heeding them, sprayed the chickpeas with Coca-Cola. His joy knew no bounds when he observed that pesticide guzzling pests couldn't quite stomach this beverage.

"Take that you DDT guzzling varmint", he is said to have remarked memorably.

It has long been know that Coca-Cola has few peers when taking the rust (or dried blood) off a favourite sword, or when cleaning that long neglected toilet bowl, but that it had such hidden talents in the area of killing of unwanted scum was not known till now.

In addition to its skill in weeding out pests, Coke also trumps pesticides in its ease of use, while also providing other fringe benefits. As farmer Ramu Chaurasia says "There is no need to mix water, or pre-treatment. Just pop the cap, fill the canister, screw in the nozzle and start sprayin'. And, if you get tired or thirsty, just point the nozzle towards your face."

"Cowabunga!", he added.

While most pesticides leave a nasty medicinal taste, and sometimes may even harm the crop, Coke is foolproof. As farmer Yogesh Saini told this reporter, "Nah, the chickpeas are doin' fine, but them pests never knew what hit 'em. Moreover, there is a nice lilting sweetness to my chickpeas."

In fact, getting children to eat those chickpeas may have just gotten easier. Now that they have been through the hands of the Coca-Cola company. Early reports hear of sighs of relief emanating from many a troubled mother.

Local agricultural scientists had mixed reactions. While C K Jain, the second in command at the agricultural department, expressed relief, " I guess I can go home early today", he also vented his frustration when remarking about "All those hours wasted in the laboratory inhaling noxious chemicals and surviving several explosions, when all the time the answer was literally cooling its heels in the refrigerator."

This developmet also has important ramifications on the aerated drinks economy in farming areas. It has been observed that for an acre of farmland about eight bottles of Coke (small size) are needed. However, locals tell us that previously Coke was found to be good only for soyabeans, but now that it works for chickpeas also, supplies are not matching demand. As one person remarked, "Earlier there was enough Coca-Cola to drink and to spray." Indeed, Ramu Verma the local Coca-Cola dealer said that the past year had not seen many sales during the chickpeas season. Most purhcases were during the soyabean season. But now that Coke's salubrious effects on chickpeas have been noticed, he is running of stock. "I had better order some more Coke. It is pity Pepsi is dragging its feet, for I have tons of that stuff left."

This is, however, bad news for the pesticide producers. Most orders for popular pesticides like DDT have reduced dramatically, with people ordering them mostly for their smell, to which they are addicted after years of use. "I just couldn't sleep without that nauseating smell", a local remarked. This has prompted many pesticide companies to turn towards the local perfume markets to make up profits lost to the Coca-Cola company in the (pest-) killing arena.

Representatives at Coca-Cola expressed satisfaction that years of research spent in creating the drink with that certain 'kick' has not gone down the drain. "We are happy to see that not only does Coke soothe the parched throat, clean the dirty toilet, but also helps in saving the starving stomach. However, we are thinking of charging a percentage on chickpeas' sales, now that they have been guaranteed survival by the Coca-Coal company. We are a top-tier multinational company after all."

Pepsi officials were tight lipped about these developments, but insiders report that Pepsi scientists are hard at work to improve the (pest-) killing properties of Pepsi. An official, who declined to be named, remarked that Pepsi cannot afford to fall behind in tapping this newly developing market. "We have put together a powerful team under the code name 'Operation Pepsticide' to overhaul Coca-Cola as the (pest-) killing drink of choice. Expect results within the month."

At the same time several medical doctors were seen to be rubbing their palms with glee. "This can only be good for business. As stomach expert Dr. N. T. T. Ummy put it "If these cold-drinks kill off pests resistant to DDT, imagine what they would be doing to the human innards. Not to mention their teeth", before finishing off with a maniacal "Bwahahaha".

Pharma honchos have also reported increasing production of painkillers, antacids and dentures.
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