Journalese 6: Furiously funny funeral

Newspapers report on the recent demise of erstwhile Kannada superstar hero Dr. Rajkumar.
It seems that his last role, in which he essayed a dead man, brought the crowd (yet again) to their collective feet. Finding themselves at a loss when on foot, the crowd then proceeded to bring the house down on Bangalore, as seen from yet another freewheeling report below (albeit nearly a month long in the tooth), culled from the highest practitioners of journalese in India.
---

Amid chaos and violence that claimed three lives, including two in police firing, the mortal remains of Kannada thespian Rajkumar were laid to rest at Kanteerava studio complex Thursday evening. Though doctors claim that Dr. Rajmukar died of natural causes, many people believe that he succumbed to bullet wounds sustained while he was embarking on his last journey.

Hours before the arrival of the funeral procession, fans grew angry about not being allowed to attend the funeral. Their sorrow gave way to fury. Fury let slip the Dogs. The Dogs of War. At least two buses were torched near the stadium and scores of private vehicles damaged elsewhere in the mob fury that took a turn for the worse. Transport authorities were rushing in supplies of extra buses pre-whetted in gasoline to allow the mob to pay their last respects to Dr. Rajkumar in a befittingly warm (if not altogether scalding) fashion.

Hell broke lose just before the funeral procession entered the complex, as emotionally-charged fans defied the police and stormed the venue after attacking them with stones. However, some starry-eyed eye-witnesses claim that the emotionally-charged fans were not fighting the police, but, hush, the Devil's own footmen who had sprung forth when 'Hell broke loose'. Their aim was to waylay the mortal remains of Dr. Rajkumar while he journeyed to a rightfully deserved heaven, thereby providing Hades a much needed source of entertainment*.

Violence marred the mourning rite from the morning as distraught fans fought pitched battles with the police in and around the Kanteerava stadium, where the body of Rajkumar was kept in a coffin for the public to pay homage. The family of Dr. Rajkumar was severely disappointed in the crowd's attempts to upstage Dr. Rajkumar's final tear-jerker by its own large-scale production filled with mindless action.

Meanwhile, a condolence note from Mrs. Sonia M.-Gandhi assured Dr. Rajkumar's family of all support in their time loss, and promised to "fly in well-trained and personally known high-quality mobs from Italy to mark this solemn occasion" in case local mobs were found wanting while facing up to the gendarmerie.

Police repeatedly burst teargas shells and resorted to a lathi** charge as surging crowds in their thousands tried to force their way to attend the funeral. However, sources add that this may have been as part of a well-meaning Government strategy to ensure that everyone (especially Tamils) attending the funeral had adequate, if not copious, amount of tears in their eyes. As an unnamed official notes, "Dr. Rajkumar's departure deserves to be highlighted by the highest display of sorrow, and it is the State's duty to ensure, by any means possible, that the same is provided".

As the situation appeared to be spinning out of control, Chief Minister H D Kumaraswamy, who came to the venue, had to return for security reasons. Asked to comment on Dr. Rajukmar's last public performance, "Look at him playing possum", he said admiringly, "My party members have so much to learn from him. Especially around judicial and vigilance officers". Though he claimed to be a long-term admirer of Dr. Rajkumar, he cited various health problems as reasons why he could not accompany Dr. Rajkumar on his final journey. "...but for my bad back...", he muttered. Critics observed that the Chief Minister a golden opportunity to sneak into heaven by hiding behind Dr. Rajkumar, "... especially, considering that this was the only way for a politician ...".

Summarizing the day, state Director General of Police B S Sial told PTI, "We have confirmation of one death". He then checked himself, "Wait there might have been two. It seems that a certain Dr. Rajkumar too died recently, but I cannot confirm that at present".
---
*If the political grapevine is to be believed, it seems that the shrill machinations of the mother-son duo of Indira and Sanjay are getting on Lucifer's nerves, while the comic relief provided by Rajiv Gandhi gets increasingly stale.
**wooden sticks