Three from London

Though my mouth was occupied with mastication, my ears remained open to catch these three nuggets:

1. An argument overheard between an Englishman and a Bengali
E: We *ucked you mother country for a century.
B: Oi bheel phok yor moder tong phar ebher.

2. Ahmed and Imran walk into a Millets, a store specialising in backpacking gear. This was after experiments had demonstrated that explosions are mightier than expectations*. After spending some time trying out different backpacks, Imran finally pounces upon a likely candidate. He straps it on and stands sideways in front of the mirror, and says: "Hey Ahmed, does this backpack make my bum' look bigger?'

3. When there was knock on the door on the couple's wedding night, the bride went and hid behind a curtain. Call him a shallow and suspicious person, but the husband got a little worried when the reason his wife gave for her actions was that she was afraid it was a police raid.

*For more on this theme, I recommend A Fistful of Dynamite, a movie with more philosophical layers than most philosophical claptrap.